Friday, July 28, 2006
I ought to be very, very ashamed of myself.
Instead of keeping my frustration and anger at bay, I went to display all those negative feelings in front of the entire choir. I've always been painstakingly careful to hide whatever negative emotions whenever I'm in church. Way to go, nat.
Hell, I was tired. As we rehearsed the same song over and over, I began to play without energy, I began to make mistakes all over the place, my smile vanished, and I totally ignored that smart alec who acts like he's a know all. He seems to have a lot to say about my playing. And honestly? It turns me off. He challenged me with,
"You can or not?!"After each time we stopped, he'd come over and "point out my mistakes". And he becomes piano teacher for the day and teaches me how to play. Uncle, I don't need your help, thank you very much.
I was angry, at what I'm uncertain. I was tired, emotionally and physically. I was frustrated, cos the tempo was so off. I even wanted to cry.
I guess I've been suppressing my emotions too much.
I knew people were staring at me, in shock probably, cos I'm never this sulky. They were in for another surprise. I didn't entertain their pitying and questioning stares. Usually I'd reciprocrate the look with a small smile. Today, I just lost my mind and my proper manners.
After practice auntie rolando came and rubbed my back cautiously. Then pastor came to tell me to be happy. Argh. It just made me feel worse.
I didn't mean it, and I need to learn how to control my "blind flashes of rage". I have to learn. I must learn.
I will go stand in the corner and reflect.
i grabbed your attention;
